Let Me Be Your Light
by uhnonniemiss
Summary: Phan oneshot. A blind fan meets Dan and Phil and asks them to describe each other, and confessions are made. Rating: T- quite a few swears oops sorry Warnings: Mild self-hate. Brief mention of cancer


**You are the loveliest people omg xxx reviews are the food of love and I am peckish, so please tell me what you thought!**

**Let Me Be Your Light**

"Well, you can't say America isn't welcoming," Dan smiled, leaning back in his chair after hugging the hundredth- or even thousandth- fan. Phil laughed, moving a tiny pile of presents onto another, much bigger, pile behind him. It was terrifying, having what felt like half of the continental US all screaming at you about cat whiskers and gay sex, but the fact that they'd come to see _them_, tiny little Dan and Phil from England, made his heart hammer in his chest with excitement. _We did it. We actually did it. Everything we've ever wanted._

Phil stared at the younger man next to him, the smile freezing then melting away. He had everything he wanted, of course he did, but there was always that one thing, that _one damn thing_, that he couldn't have- that he could never have. And that one damn thing has laughing, playing with stray hairs, large as life right in front of him.

And that one damn thing was more important to him than anything else on earth.

Dan tilted his head. "Phil, are you okay?"

"What? Oh, um, yeah, I'm fine." Phil mumbled back, blinking. _Not like that. Never with him. Keep your mind on the job, not him. Not. Him._

They waved (Phil putting on as genuine a smile as he could) as another girl walked towards them- pretty, maybe sixteen or seventeen, with dark hair that covered half of her face. She took baby steps, clutching a white cane, her head turning back to look at her mother in the background. She stopped in front of the desk, a little further away than most people, and bobbed awkwardly on the balls of her feet. "Um, h-hi? I'm Kitty, I'm," she took a deep breath. "I'm kind of a big fan?" her accent made it sound like a question.

"Kitty, that's a lovely name," Phil opened his arms for a hug, but Kitty didn't properly look at him, seeming fixed on a point in the middle distance. He was about to drop his arms awkwardly, until the girl coughed awkwardly, flushing pink. "I- I'm so sorry, you'll have to come to me. I'm, ah, I'm sort of blind."

"Oh!" Phil's eyes widened with realisation, and the two men quickly walked round the desk to meet her. Dan reached out a hand towards her, but hesitated. "Would you like a hug?"

Kitty covered her mouth, nodding frantically. Dan hugged her first, tightly but awkwardly, and as Phil moved forward he noticed tear streaks running down the girl's face. "Hey there, don't cry, sweetie, what's wrong."

She looked at the floor, biting her lip. "I'm- I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. It's just, you guys helped me through a lot, this year. I wasn't born blind, I, um, I was diagnosed with ocular melanoma at the start of last year, and I had to have surgery, and I ended up… more than a little depressed. My friend taught me how to get the audio description for your videos, because she just wanted to make me laugh, and just, just your voices let me know that it's okay to smile, that it's okay to be happy. I know it sounds stupid but when I started pushing people away it was you who helped me feel less alone." she snorted. "Oh god, I said I wouldn't cry. I'm so stupid."

"No, no, of course you're not!" Phil hugged her shoulders gently. "That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to us, Kitty."

"Yeah, and you're not stupid, you're very brave. If we could, we'd take you back to England and have you guard the apartment, like a superhero." Dan added, putting as much of the warmth of his smile into his voice as he could.

"Is there anything else you want to say? Something you want to ask us?" Phil glanced at one of their beefy security team, who was tapping at his watch. "Gotta make it quick though, sorry."

"Okay, well, um," Kitty shuffled her feet. "I've- I've never seen your faces. I've got people to describe you, b-but I always wished I could've seen your faces." She looked right at Phil, though she couldn't have known that. "I was wondering, if-if you could describe each other. You'd do a much better job than other people, and I want to have a clear picture of the people who saved my life. I bet you look almost as wonderful as you sound." she smiled.

Dan snorted. "You're half right there."

Phil flinched, quickly repeating his mantra in his head to calm himself down. He's joking. _He doesn't mean it. He doesn't mean you._ Still, this was risky, even for such a nice girl- he couldn't trust himself not to slip up. "Kitty, I'm sorry, I don't know if w-"

"Phil." Dan looked at him sternly. "Don't."

Phil looked at the shy girl in front of them, and sighed. "Okay, erm, Dan has hair, and, ah, eyes, I suppose…"

"No!" Kitty laughed. "Do it properly, please!"

"Fine," Phil sighed, staring at Dan for a long moment. "He does this stupid half smile because he thinks it makes him look cool. He wears leather everything and nobody's quite sure if it's ironic anymore. If he even thinks about the sun, he turns Mexican, but sometimes his skin is golden, and you feel warm just looking at it. His hair is the colour of cinnamon and he runs his hands through it when he thinks nobody is looking, and his eyes are copper and honey and sage and chocolate and fire, and if you told me his eyelashes could capture constellations, I'd believe you." Phil looked at his feet and coughed. "I'd believe anything fantastical about him. Your turn, Dan."

"Alright then," Dan took a step towards him, his voice dripping with a command to attention. He smirked at Phil. _Two can play at that game._ "Phil's actually blind as a bat- he wears contacts a lot, but first thing in the morning he's always blinking like a harassed mole. He dresses like an eight year old at a pokemon party, and his skin is so pale it's almost translucent, but that's great because his blush is amazing. He has black hair that you can spend hours thinking about tangling your hands in, and hands that you would sell part of your soul to hold, and lips that you could spend an eternity wanting to kiss. But the best thing is the colour of his eyes. If we're still using Phil's dramatic metaphors, his eyes are the ocean and the sky in the morning and long walks in the winter, and when you stare into them, you feel like you're losing yourself, right before you realise that you want to."

He looked Phil in the eye and winked, mouthing _I win._

Kitty laughed again- reminding Phil that she was even there. "Apparently I was right- you guys are beautiful. Thank you, this… it kind of meant a lot to me."

"Same here," Phil said as quietly as he could, hugging Kitty again. "I'm glad we could give you what you wanted! Thank you so much for coming out to see us, people like you mean a lot to us too, you know."

Dan snapped his gaze away from Phil, turning back to the delighted girl. "Yeah, I hope we'll see you again next year, you're cool. I hope we meet more superheroes like you." He gave Kitty one last hug before she left, walking as quickly as she could with the cane, shaking with adrenaline. Phil kept a smile fixed on his features (he had no idea why, she was _blind_ for Christ's sake), but as soon as she blended into the rest of the crowd, his face became cold, hands clenching into fists. He turned to one of the security team. "Ten minute break?" he snapped, but without even waiting for a reply he stormed away from the signing desk, not even sparing a glance for Dan.

He dug his hands deep into his pockets, wishing he'd taken up smoking, or knitting, or anything, just to keep his mind off Dan and the distance Phil was trying to put between them. Tears pricked just behind his eyes. He'd never felt quite so- so _humiliated_, in his whole life. Dan must've guessed how he felt. He must have. There was no way he would say all that if he wasn't trying to be funny, trying to take the piss, just like he always was. But to stand there and cold-heartedly _mock_ him, mock something so important to him, in front of a _stranger_- as much as he loved Dan, he almost hated him, in that moment.

_Not that he would have known,_ said a nasty voice in Phil's mind, _if you hadn't screwed up so fantastically. You had to go on all poetic about his eyes, like the pathetic idiot you are- he's probably joking because he's freaked out, you fucking creep._

Tears started flowing in freefall as a sob wrenched itself desperately from his chest. He curled his hand into a fist and slammed it into the wall with as much force as he could, pain sending jagged spikes up his nerve endings. He whipped his head round as he heard a voice calling him from the end of the hallway.

"Phil?" Dan was all but sprinting towards him. "Phil, talk to me!" he glanced down, seeing the way the other man was carefully holding his fingers, and reached out towards him. "What happened, are you okay?"

Phil flinched angrily away from the touch, looking at Dan with wild, crazed eyes. "Don't you _dare_! Don't you _dare_ ask me if I'm okay, because I'm not, and you know it! And you are the _last_ person I want to talk to right now!"

"I don't understand," hurt was etched over Dan's features. "Have I done something?"

Phil laughed, but there was no happiness in it. "You know damn well what you did. How could you, Dan? I never thought you'd be as heartless as that." He rubbed his right hand gently, starting to regret punching that wall. "Why did you say those things? Are you making fun of how I feel about you? I bet you think it's funny, don't you- _oh, let's pretend to compliment Phil to be ironic! Oh, let's shit all over Phil's feelings, but it's okay, I'm only joking!"_ Another sob rose in his chest as he backed against the wall, and he slid down, defeated.

"Phil…" Dan sat down next to him, and this time, Phil didn't flinch away. "Phil, I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I didn't mean to-"

"_Then why did you say those things?_" Phil said, the barest of whispers. "I meant everything I said, back there. You're beautiful. You're beautiful and perfect and funny and clever and kind and the best friend I could ever ask for, and even though it's stupid and you can't love me back I can't help it. I'm in love with you, Dan. I'm in love with you, and I near enough told you, and you took those feelings and treated them like _shit_."

Dan coughed gruffly "I'minlovewithyoutoo."

"What?"

"I-I…" Dan's voice was hesitant, faltering. "Because I'm in love with you too."

Phil snorted. "Dan, it's okay. You don't have to say that to make me feel good about myself."

"N-no. I mean it." He looked down at his shaking hands. "You weren't the only one who said how they felt in there. I never knew how to say it before, because I didn't want you to get freaked out, if you didn't like me b-back… but I thought, after what you said, I could try and, and now you're upset, and I've fucked it up again." He raised a shaking hand to his mouth. "Oh God. Oh God. I've fucked it up. I always fuck everything up."

Phil looked at the dark eyed man, still uncomprehending, but automatically wanting to comfort him. "No, Dan, no you don't. It's alright. D-do you really mean all that?" Dan nodded, voice not quite steady enough to speak. Instead, he leaned over, kissing Phil full on the mouth.

Phil's eyes widened in surprise, but he melted into Dan, feeling hands get tangled in his hair as their lips pressed together, Dan's tasting of some heady spice, hearts beating too loud in their ears.

Dan was the first to pull away, breathless. "Could you tell I meant that?"  
It was Phil's turn to be speechless- he blinked at Dan a few times, cheeks flushing.

"Phil, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me-"

"Did you call me a thing?" Phil laughed and Dan held up a finger to stop him.

"Yes I did, now let me finish. You are the most incredible person I have ever met, and I swear, I will never, ever lie to you about how I feel. So listen to me," He wrapped his lips around the words. "I. Love. You."

Phil paused for a heartbeat, then smiled- a real, warm smile that reached his eyes. "I love you too," he said, reaching out to take Dan's hand and wincing. "I think my hand may be slightly broken."

Dan looked at him worriedly. "You should go and get it strapped up."

"I will," a blissful smile played on Phil's lips, as he leaned his head on Dan's shoulder. "Let's just stay here for a second, though."

Dan rested his head on Phil's, smiling back. "I think I can manage that."

**Thank you for reading xxx Everything I post on this blog is also available on my tumblr (also called uhnonniemiss), feel free to send prompts  
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**I hate how this turned out lmao please give me feedback x  
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